Here's something I wrote about UIP last week.

"When I arrived in 3 Signal Battalion more than a month ago, I was thinking to myself, “Here I am! After more than 8 months of trainee life, I’ve finally arrived at my unit.”

Boy, oh boy. How wrong I was. The Unit Induction Phase was still there waiting. Don’t get me wrong. I never thought that unit life would be slack. I just assumed that the days of being treated like dirt were over. After being in Basic Military Training, School of Infantry Specialists and Signal Institute (SI wasn’t that bad), I thought unit life would a more mature working experience.

The idea of having a Unit Induction Phase (read: tekan session) is a pretentious one at best. I find that there’s no actual useful purpose in holding these sessions. I would rather they incorporated it into a training program so that we can learn something more effectively. But of course, the answer that can always be shot back at me would be, “This is the army. Get used to it”.

My philosophy on army life would be to take everything in your stride without complaining or whining. If I wanted to complain about army, I would have had ample opportunities in the past 8 months to do so. I would try to look for the positive points in people or situations. I find that doing this keeps me sane.

An incident that comes to mind was when we had our first tekan session. A stand-by bed that was conducted by our Platoon Sergeant. He tried to wear us out with push-ups, shouting, change parades, field pack inspections, stand-by-beds and timings for every activity. But we came out the stronger. I'd like to think that we surprised them by how resilient we were. All the strenuous activity that they dished out at us could do was to make me smile at my bunkmates and encourage them by saying, "Is this the best they've got?"

I initially thought that my Platoon Sergeant was being a pain because he didn’t like the way I responded to his questions. Every time he talked to me it was as if I was his worst enemy. His words were full scorn and disdain. I was telling myself after that week that all I needed was one reason to respect him and I would. It turns out that he’s a lot nicer than I thought and he’s won my respect. The reason why he talked to me in that way was because of the way I seemed to react to his instructions. He probably mistook me not understanding his questions and failing to answer them for disrespect.

The only thing that is getting me down is having athlete’s foot and a rash on my hands. I think its called eczema. I think its because of the amount of dust in my bunk. Even with the countless area cleaning that we do, it still doesn’t seem to help my problem. Its very much cleaner than when we first stepped foot into 3rd Signal Battalion but I don’t know why my rash is not going away.

Honestly, I like this place. I find that the people are nice and pleasant to work with. Its just that the Unit Induction Phase is too long. Its purpose could have been achieved already. I feel that its being dragged on just for sake of doing so. I’m trying my best but I can feel the morale dropping.

Sometimes I worry about the physical condition of our men as well. Some of them haven’t been conditioned to this sort of treatment like we have. I find that the specialist are able to take it because of the extra 3 months we had in SISPEC but the men are straight out from BMT and SI. Just hope that we’ll be able to take good care of them and prevent them from falling out.

In conclusion to my thoughts on UIP, I would think that it has already served its purpose. Although tying it together with our training would make it more meaningful. Also, the duration of UIP could be shortened to a month. It isn’t the lack of privileges that bother me. I would rather that we be treated normally."
| 3SG DARYL GOH TIZHI |

I crave the weekends. This is similar to SISPEC except that its not as packed. I ran 6km on tuesday, soccer on tuesday night, ran SOC 4 times clean fatigue but with pushups in between every obstacle on thursday, 5km battalion run on friday. And always the increasing fear of turn outs and tekan sessions. It doesn't help that my bunkmates are always talking about our instructors and how unfair things are and how as sergeants we should have to be treated like that anymore. But I always say army is army. I try to get them to cheer up and stop complaining and sometimes it helps, but if it doesn't I just have to retreat to my corner of the bunk and put on my earphones.

Soon I'll be posted to one of 2 platoons. One will be dealing with computers but with longer peace-time days and the other will be dealing with lines and telephones and have strenuous days only on exercises... I don't like to make decisions like these... I'd rather let God decide cos the decisions I make almost always turns out to be the wrong one.

::: Song of the Day :::
My heart is captivated Lord, by You alone
captured by the awesomeness of You alone
melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder

I reach to you the one who make the blind eyes see
who breaks the chains of sickness with authority
restoring of what was broken
so it may fly again

I live to worship you
I breathe to worship to you
all of my days, your face I'll seek

For as I worship you
You lead me to that place
To that place of divine exchange
| hillsong united - divine exchange |

What a week!! I just got out from a week of 'tekan'-ing in camp. Ok maybe it wasn't the whole week but it was really tiring. They tried to wear us out with push-ups, shouting, change parades, field pack inspections, stand-by-beds and timings for every activity. 5 hours of that at one go. But we came out the stronger. I'd like to think that we surprised them by how resilient we were. All the strenuous activity that they dished out at us could do was to make me smile at my bunkmates and say to them, "Is this the best they've got?"

The only thing thats getting me down is having athelete's foot and a slight rash on my hands. I think its because of the amount of dust in my bunk. Its very much cleaner than when we first stepped foot into 3rd Signal Battalion but I dunno why its not going away. I'm trusting God for my complete healing though.

The only downside to my week was the fact that I swore at my bunkmate after the whole 'tekan' session. It was like the first time that I intentionally swore at someone in about 5 years. He's the type of guy who can really get on your nerves. The kind who needs attention. He's a big guy who acts like a little kid, which makes it hard to take him seriously sometimes. Especially when he acts like an absolute fool in front of our men. Anyway, nothing justifies me having to resort to that so I really regret saying what I did. I felt really tired immediately after. As if I was winded after a long run. I was really disappointed in myself... Especially after Patricia just spoke to us about walking in love 2 weeks ago. Gotta try harder!

Booking in... My Platoon Commander told me that this week would be the start of a tough month. Dear Lord, I know that I can retreat to you and rest in you. I'm reminded by the verse that Amos shared with the cell a couple of weeks ago. "What can men do to me?"
I will not forget how He comforted me and refreshed me in SISPEC. I will not be brought down. I will not have fear planted within me.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Listen to Me, you who know righteousness, You people in whose heart is My law: Do not fear the reproach of men, Nor be afraid of their insults.
| Isaiah 51:7 |

My media player was keeping boredom at bay the last 3 days but on thursday morning I realised that I couldn't charge the player. I couldn't figure out why either. But it was sort of a good thing as it gave me more time to read the bible and 'the rest of your life'. And so I headed down to Creative Center at Jurong East when I booked out. Took me about half an hour to find the place cos I dropped from the bus 2 stops too early. So anyway, after waiting close to an hour for my turn, the guy figured out that there was a problem with the set itself and not the charger. And then he gave me a new set. Just like that. A brand new media player. But all the data is gone. Just too bad.

Just a random thought... I'd like to have a choice. I'd like to be able to say no.

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

::: Verse of the Day :::
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
| Colossians 2:6-7 |

I know you love me despite my flaws but I don't want to live like this anymore. Because it displeases you. And it displeases me too. I've tried ways & means to live right & to at least give up a few bad habits. But it seems to get worse instead of better. So now, I'll consider something a little more drastic. I'm considering a ban from all visual media except written media and movie outings. There is a word to describe how I feel... "Wretched"

Why? Because thats what I am now. By doing relatively well in army, I have become complacent, thinking that my life, being run on my own terms, has some sort of worth. But there isn't. Because I've gotten where I am through favour. Not because I'm smart, fit or good looking. I'm not. I'm just blessed with favour and grace. And I've gotta stop taking it for granted.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

New unit, new environment, new bunk (I'll complain about it later on), new superiors. I don't really like change but thats life you know? I've got to go through another month of trainee life before I can spread out my 'specialist wings' and glide towards ORD. I'm going for my ATP shoot (live firing) on thursday and friday. 2 whole days under a training shed with a hundred smelly soldiers and my rifle. I'm not going to put my hopes up on getting the marksman badge. Not when I need new glasses.

I've been wanting to spend time with God praying recently but I'm always rushing it. I getting distracted alot constantly. My mind is always wandering.

Was talking to Elissa on the phone and it sort of made me understand the different thresholds, values and expectations that different people have. So what seems alright to me may actually be getting on someone else's nerves. But my standard is based on what the bible says (or at least I try). Come to think of it, I need to have a getaway soon. Time to refocus... My destination is still the same, but I'm definitely not in the right state. I might not get there if I stay like this.

::: Song of the Day :::
The more I seek You, the more I find You
the more I find You, the more I love You

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
| glorious - the more i seek you |

Sometimes you just have to be the one who gets things started. Its not that you have to do everything yourself. But people, being people, will naturally laze around until the see someone else doing a job. And because they don't want you to mess it up, or they think that they can do a better job, they finally get up and do something about it. However there is one question I want to ask.

Does it mean that everything that you did up to the point they took over was a waste of time and effort?
I would like to think that the answer would be a solid 'NO'. But many people would think that since none of my 'ideas' or 'contributions' were actually used, it would mean that I did not do any work. Similar to the scientific idea that if there is no change or reaction, no work has been done. But I could also say that I was the one that sparked off proper discussions and got the group moving and planning. Oh well..

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
What am I? One who sets his words Into proper structure Fearful to let it tumble out But out it tumbles anyway What can you do? You were sitting, oh so pretty And I asked, As if I needed an answer "Can I kiss you?" I should have kissed you The way I used to The way you liked it But instead, it was tense Like the first time Desire longing to be put into action But you were quiet With your porcelain mask inviting as always How could I turn it down? It would have been rude And so insensitive You always needed to be adored	I feel responsible Because I was the first Did I transform you? Did I tempt you And whet your appetite for more? I gave you a drug And you wanted another hit Thats the way you were Impulsive Emotional Dynamic You were my outward expression You were like me Unrestricted Carefree Careless So I try to fill that vacuum With every thing imaginable I feel like I missed the prize Could I try again? I did I failed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Its been such a long week and I'm really enjoying being home. Its gonna be another time of adjustments again as I'm posted to 3 Signals Battalion. My warrant Officer tells me its an active Battalion, which means the unit could be activated to go for an overseas exercise the moment we step into the premises. But I probably won't have to. We will most likely be taking part in the National Day Parade in August though.

But my posting isn't what is on my mind right now. I had my hopes raised and dropped back down into the hard ground in the space of two days. I just found out that I was in the top 5 on thursday and that I had a good chance of getting an award, one of the three bayonets, 1 golden and 2 silver. But when the rankings were announced today, I was holding my breath, figuratively, from the 36th all the way to the top ten. And my dreams of a first award in NS were shattered when I was announced as 4th in the platoon. 1 place shy of an award. I was kinda moody from the time I heard the news. But I guess I've got nothing to complain about. I did well. I didn't push myself VERY hard and I got 4th. You could say I was just cruising along. I wasn't even aiming for a top 10 placing in the first place so I shouldn't be upset at all.

This week was spent mostly sleeping, revising for the tests, having the tests, playing soccer and practicing my songs for the end-of-course celebration. I was also selected to be the spokesman for the platoon during the celebration. I had 3 consecutive nights out this week. And I found out that I've gotten my $200 bonus for my IPPT gold. So I'm pretty contented with whats happened this week. It started off rather well too with the soccer match with Riverlife ending 3-3 last sunday.

I forgot to bring my boots to the match so I was playing without studs and slipping all over the place. Riverlife were nowhere as good as the nepalese team that trashed us but it was still a challenging game. But I still found it surprising that I could control the team. Especially since I was playing as striker with Liwei. Plus the fact that we had only 10 men for the game. We had to borrow one player from riverlife. We started off with our usual game, flustered and panicky. But started to control the pace after awhile. I felt free to play my game because Dennis was making the tactical decisions that day and I was only looking out for technical improvements.

Our first goal came from a set-piece. Joel directed the freekick towards me and I directed my header towards the goal. Honestly, I didn't expect the ball to fall into the back of the net. 1-0 up.
I wanted to slow the game down after that but the rest of the players seemed to have that extra burst of energy so I didn't enforce it. Riverlife were becoming more aggressive because they couldn't deal with our pace. Or rather, Nathan's pace. And they brought him down in desperation inside the penalty area. Yellow Card! Nathan would have been clear on goal otherwise. So Joel steps up to take the penalty and I tell him to forget the power fearing that he would just blast it and miss it. So I said, "PLACE IT!"
Thats when he goes and places it low and with a lot of power. The trouble is, its straight at the keeper. Fortunately it was too strong to catch and Joel taps in the rebound. 2-0 up!!!

Halftime passes by quickly and we proceed to face a Riverlife side with a different style altogether. They exploited our leftback, Thomson's lack of pace as well as our lack of stamina, cut the deficit, equalised and took the lead in the space of about half an hour. Fortunately Jean F. managed to score a last minute goal from the left, just outside the penalty area. I'm just glad we scored as many as we did. Hopefully, we're playing with the right players in the right position. I think Joel and Gerald did especially well as central defender and keeper respectively. Our midfield was a little weak today. No one to help Dennis in the center of the field. Oh well... I think I'll be taking a break from soccer for awhile. Musn't tire myself out too much.

Its been a while since I last blogged. I've been caught up with church activities and I don't have time to blog in camp because of exercises the last 2 weeks. I had guard duty on monday and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I got paired with the platoon's most garang man. I think over-enthusiastic would describe him better. And I'm being nice. So I had a good time with my Media Center watching 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. The one starring Jim Carrey. Strange that he isn't doing comedy but I think he did well. I can really relate to his character's experiences and the movie was like an exaggerated dramatisation of what I went through. The way he was struggling so hard to keep his memories from being erased. So frantic & desperate the way he was clinging on to them.

I did learn some biblical stuff this week in spite of the busy schedule. I've been reading this new book called 'The Rest of Your Life' by Patrick M. Morley. Its a delightful book which speaks about the philosophies of the world versus the truths of Christianity. An emphasis was placed on true Christianity. I've been writing down a few quotes.

"The problem isn't that Christians are not where they should be. The problem is that they are not what they should be right where they are."
| Os Guiness |

I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one.
I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.
My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.
They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.
Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.
As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.
For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.
| John 17:11,14-18 |

So the issue here isn't to take yourself out of the world. But rather to step in to make changes. Of course there are some things of the world which we should not indulge in or be a part of. But rebelling against the world doesn't mean detaching yourself from it. And although we should not corrupt Christianity with worldly, sinful views, I still believe that it is possible be a strong, devoted Christian and yet still have a life. How do we go about living in this world? Without aid from the Holy Spirit, it would be an almost futile effort. How many times have we made mistakes even though we had good intentions?

From the Holy Spirit Seminar 2 weeks ago, I'm seeing a trend of how the Holy Spirit works. With hardly anything more than earnest heartfelt desire and passion for more of God and to be used more by God, many of us can discover the Holy Spirit. But many of us need a visualisation of what the Holy Spirit is capable of. There are many who have not known what praying and praising in the Spirit is about. Why? Because many years ago while their parents were learning about baptism in the holy Spirit and the Spiritual Gifts during church camp, most of them were sitting in the childcare room. But this generation of Christian youths cannot be sustained by the experiences of their parents. This sort of thing is an intense experience which can only be achieved with a hunger for a personal relationship with God. Do they know what they're missing?

At least we're taking steps in the right direction. With the prayer meetings, deeper times of worship on sunday services, pastors who are sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and more recently, teaching sessions in the form of seminars, I think we're going higher. I sense it during recent Sunday Services.

Dear Lord, I pray for more in the body of Christ to start running with that passion. That more will be spurred on to chase after you. Dear Lord, the signs of revival are here, but we need more. We cannot keep relying on certain people to drive the church. Because if a body of Christ is to grow healthily, it needs to work together.

There are 2 regulars in my platoon and both of them are from my bunk. But now there are another 2 who want to sign on as well. Eddie and Yi Jie. What makes a person want to sell his soul to the SAF for 6-10 years? Why would anyone want to go through this sort of life?

*********************************
Why do you want to sign on?
Eddie: Money. Lots of it. I dunno what I'm going to do after army anyway and furthering my studies will take a lot of time and finances. I don't want to keep relying on my parents.

Yi Jie: I like the job scope. I love army. Signals rock. Its the kind of job that I'd want to do if I had work outside. Its not that different from a civilian job. The only difference is that I'll have to stay in camp during the 5 day work week. Its also partly because of money. I want my parents to have a comfortable life so I have to contribute to my family income
*********************************

I could never think like that. I dread even an 8 to 5 office job. The only job that would interest me would be to work for God. Because its more dynamic and it'll never be boring. Working with God, relying on Him, struggling with Him, finding fulfillment and rejoicing in Him.

Why don't you spend a few years working first?
Thats what people tell me. Get some experience to know what the working world is like. I just know that this wasn't what I was created for, deep down I know I have other things to accomplish. There are people who are called to be used in the business sector but my opinion is, "Why would I want to put myself into an environment I'm struggling so hard to avoid?"
Whats more, I've already wasted enough time in Polytechnic, having to retake a year of studies and now being stuck in National Service. No, I do not want to waste anymore time.

God always told me that my work for now was to pray. And He stirred up in me a passion for the youths. I just haven't been consistent with that responsibility. Or maybe its a desire to see the church growing & worshipping God, unashamed. Worshipping isn't about how much you jump, how well you sing or how high you wave your hands. Its truly not just about that. But I do know that when the Holy Spirit is in attendance, you don't just stand there. You make those outward expressions because its an outpouring of what you feel inside. Its always from the inside out. And so I have to pray for our church to get there. It takes prayer, passion and persistence if things are going to work.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis.
| Colossians 4:12 |

Woohoo.. What a refreshing day. I loved the Holy Spirit seminar. Had a revision for the first half before embarking on a learning spree on the types of Spiritual Gifts. Reverend Jeff also touched on the aspects of how to handle the spiritual gifts during a meeting or service. After which we had a practical session of worshipping in the spirit and giving words of knowledge and singing spiritual songs. Felt quite bloated after that.

Walked to Eunos to pick up Christine after a quick dinner before coming back to church for MegaPraise. It started off quite well but I had to move some guys forward before we really started rocking in the Spirit. The songs were quite well played other than some sluggish transitions. It was a very good worship but it brought back burdens for the youth. Some passion, no direction. Its coming, definitely! But we need help in getting there! God we need you to get there.

If you miss it, its going to be a tough ride. There will be ways out, yes. But if you don't change, you're going to miss the way out too. God thank you for the escape routes. Thank you that you're willing to embrace us anytime we run to you.

::: Quote of the Day :::
I prayed every day & every night. My faith grew very fast. I knew one thing I had to concentrate on and that was spending time learning from the bible so when I grew up, I could share & preach. When I thought about this, I felt my heart burning inside me, pushing me, telling me this is the right thing to do.
| Linh Dao - Vietnamese girl |

I always tell myself that I would be glad to be a martyr for Christ. That it would be an honour. But would I really be able to withstand the pain & humiliation? When I read about those who have given their lives before, I can't help but worry if I'll be able to do justice to God. It all boils down to the simple question. Do I love God enough?

I just read some stuff about John Wesley.

Sanctification
• Christian perfection, a life of holiness
• a perfection of motives & desires
• a life of victory over sin is required, constant vigilance
• a discipline of daily devotions, self examination and a calculated avoidance of worldiness

This was what they did... hence the term 'methodists'. My God! He was striving to achieve the same things that I desire for. And all this time i've been sneering at the rigidness of 'methodist'. Our only difference is in the way we present it.

Dear God, teach me more, that I may be used by you. So that I can be used by you. So that I can throw myself into your work and lead people to you and teach about you.

This morning I skipped breakfast. Came back to the bunk to rest & prepare for the parade. But we need not have worried. It wasn't much of a parade. Coming to attention for the arrival of the Leftenent-colonel, standing at ease for the speech, coming to attention for his departure and than marching off for lessons. The lessons, as usual were boring & slow. Decided to skip lunch to slack in the bunk. Wasted much of the afternoon in the lab setting up the network for the new training hub. We were being taken advantage of as cheap labour.

Had an interview with ma'am yesterday and she described my overall performance as average. She said that my grades were no issue because I easily made top 10. And I had done well in achieving gold standard for my IPPT. But she added that I wasn't standing out. Not taking initiative other than coming out to joke once in a while. Someone who's not a back-bencher but instead one who has potential.

So anyway, I took the platoon for a progressive run before dinner and I think she was keeping an eye on me. The run didn't go off very well. Firstly, the platoon was in quite a playful mood so we did lots of push-ups along the run. Then, Calvin got his foot stuck in between the drain covers on the road. Almost had the whole platoon tumble over him. Near the end of the run, Vincent decided to take a dive into the asphalt while we were all sprinting the last stretch. He was racing with Suresh and tripped himself, doing a 2m body slide which took off chunks from his hand and knee. It didn't look too pretty when he got up. He had to be evacuated to Tengah Airbase Medical Center for treatment. Capped off an otherwise uneventful day.

This post is dedicated to Jeremy Gan
For being a friend, an encouragement and a brother.
Happy Birthday!!
This morning I had my IPPT. Managed to get a gold standard. But it didn't come easily. I almost missed getting the $200 reward by about 4cm. I had to retake my standing broad jump 4 times before successfully getting the minimum requirement for God. My platoon mates were telling me it wasn't my day today. Had trouble with the shuttle run too. But that wasn't a vital station. I managed to hit a new personal best for my 2.4km run though... 9 minutes 12 seconds.

I came close to God on Sunday morning. I wasn't for pre-service prayer and promptly got refreshed. Although I was physically tired because we stayed over at J.Gan's chalet the day before, I managed to get a strengthening in my spirit. I was reminded of the burden I had for the youths. A burden that could not be expressed in words but had to be prayed out in the Spirit & in tears. And it reminded me of my direction, where I was from and how, with God's grace, I've grown. Its not easy being a leader. Although we're in SI, its still a challenging time because of the learning environment.

Arrggghhh... I'm so pissed at myself. I wrote quite a lot in camp this week. A lot of good stuff (i think). But I forgot to bring my journal home. Oh well... I'll just post for formality's sake. Haha!

::: Song of the Day :::
I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real
| blink 182 - always |

Elijah runs... After everything God has done through him, he runs when Queen Jezebel threatens him. Sure, the queen was a scary woman. Dangerous & unpredictable. (Like all woman are.) So he runs away because he's frightened & tired of danger. But God doesn't let go. He watches over Elijah, feeds him 2 free meals & prepares him for their meeting.

This is the part which I feel I can really relate to. God asks, "Whats up, Elijah". And Elijah proceeds to list out his problems as if to intimidate God, trying to get God to pity him. I can picture God chuckling in all His divinity & Holiness as He proceeds to put Elijah in the right perspective. God begins to show Elijah the forces of nature and the majesty of the weather before asking Elijah again, "Whaazzup?"
I think we all can be a little like Elijah in this aspect, one way or another, we can be as ridiculous as him. Elijah again repeats his problems as if he didn't just see a hurricane, feel the earth shaking beneath his feet, watch a fireball pass by and then hear the very voice of God. I believe we're not alone in need to feed and grow our faith!

But God perseveres & instructs Elijah to take a road trip to Damascus. Praise God for His patience & understanding. Praise God that He uses the least of us to achieve the greatest things. Praise God that He will use me!

::: Verse of the Day :::
And these signs will accompany those who believe...
| Mark 16:17 |

What is happening to our faith? Why have we become so afraid of offending? What has happened to the miracles? The mass healings? How can we convince the world to believe when we Christians have difficulty believing as well? Its as if we don't trust our God.

There should be no arguments about Christ or the validity of Christianity. Because arguments are based on the level of the mind. Christianity is about a spiritual relationship first & foremost. It cannot or seldom is proven by explanation or facts. The convincing factor should be miracles and signs. How else can we explain the power of Christ & the Holy Spirit?
Sure! The love of God can be demonstrated & shared. But the fulfillment of Christianity will not exist without the Holy Spirit. So how do we 'train our faith'?
Read the word, hear the word, worship & commune with God. And practice!

This isn't the first time I'm staring at a blank page wondering what to fill it with. Its days like this where you feel utterly useless because you learnt nothing of value. Maybe its just the feeling of a tired body and mind. I find it astonishing how my emotions run. Yesterday, I was feeling good about myself, pleased at what I had achieved and what I know. Today it feels like none of that is important. What makes someone that stands out? Everytime you try to highlight any single one skill, talent, gift, ability that you have, it always doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe you can say, its the collective sum of all these things. The good points & the flaws and the attitude which gives you a unique identity. Like a thumbprint or a snowflake. But all thumbs still look the same and snowflakes is large numbers is just a large expanse of white. So how do you get noticed? I'm still wondering too...

Just read about King Solomon. It shows how sin paves the way for trouble to come in. It causes a gap between us and God. It is shown when Israel began a downward spiral when King Solomon disobeyed. Even in King David's lifetime, there was sin but repentance gave him an escape route. All the way there were warning signs from God, "If you walk in my ways and do what is right, I will be with you."

But it seemed that the desires of the flesh were always the stronger influence. Even King David succumbed. But God still honored him and used him as a benchmark because he sought after God's heart. There will be a time for you to change but if you take if for granted, you're gonna go down that downward spiral and the more you slip, the more you're going to convince yourself that you'll never get out of it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Something isn't right here
Do I seem alright to you?
I'll smile your way and put on that front
where everyone believes that its ok.

The rain runs down my face
while I stand here waiting
Watching you make the wrong choices
I can't go the way you did
And I can't do the things you do
Not like that, not with the contempt you do

I just want you back right now...
If you have to lose yourself
lose yourself in me.
If you have to find a way out,
I'll be your escape route
If you need a hiding place
I'll be your refuge
I'll gladly take the beatings for you
I gladly rebel against them

But for all that complexity
The simple truth is that
it doesn't have to be this way
But I don't believe you understand me
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Today is the second last day that we'll be in Singapore Polytechnic. I'm gonna miss being able to go home everyday. But at least it means that my expenditure will go down. This couple of weeks have been hard on this army boy's wallet, but generous to his stomach. I'll have my exam tomorrow. Not very anxious about it. I hope I'm not being over-confident about it. Incidently, I did quite well for the first module's exam. I got 81%...

I was thinking about Pastor Erick's sermon. And I see where he is going with his emphasis on reverence towards God. All this time we've been focusing our efforts on worship. True worship, worshipping in Spirit and in Truth. But after awhile, you begin to wonder, why does it seem like we've hit a ceiling? My opinion is that we've forgotten how to revere God. We've become familiar with Him. Much too familiar. And you can't worship a friend if that's all God is to you. Without fear or respect of God, there will not be true worship.

Let me explain further... We come to church dressed inappropriately, as if we were going to the beach or for a picnic. My stand on Sunday dress would be, if you can dress up to meet your friends, you can do at least that much in dressing well to meet God. But thats just my personal opinion. Other problems include coming to service late, slouching in the pews (mentioned by Pastor Erick), we raise our feet, we talk and joke around during sermons, we eat sweets and chew gum, we pass notes, we plan our activities and our lunch, we daydream, we play with our mobile devices. What up with that? The time where the speaker gives a sermon, has become a setting more suited to a lecture hall than the sanctuary. The time for worship has become a time to hear good music so that we can feel good singing it. And if the songs, arrangements, vocals or instrumentation is not perfect, we get distracted and we're unable to worship. No wonder we're STILL waiting for revival! All because our attitude towards Christ is wrong. And I've been guilty of it as well. Youth in general will always push the limits of discipline. If this is what we're doing when our parents were sitting still and paying attention, what will the next batch of youth be doing when they see us behaving this way in the sanctuary. I shudder to think of it.

Dearest Lord Jesus, forgive me for my lack of respect for you. forgive me for not giving you the honor due to you. Lord, I pray that you stir up within me a passion and a reverence for You. Lord, stir it up within me first and foremost, within the youth of XS and within Charis. Lord, I don't want to try to reason this out and pretend that everything is alright. Thank You that You have graciously shown me my mistakes. Lord, may I grow closer to you as I strive to revere You as You deserve. In Jesus' most precious name, Amen.

Today Pastor Erick spoke on having a reverence in church and before God... Something that I think that is really good because, we sort of lost the respect for God and His house. Something I think i've been guilty of doing as well. In the course of being comfortable in the house of God, I've taken certain things for granted. Although I believe more of the posture of the heart rather than outward actions, I'm not going to deceive myself and say that what we do doesn't matter.

Pastor Erick also shared something from our Methodist Hymnal. To be honest, I've been a Christian all my life, and I've seen the Methodist Hymnal for at least 15 years... I never knew there was a page called Directions for Singing in it. I found it hilarious at first but as I read on, I found that behind the authoritative style was a heart that really wanted people to worship God in a proper manner. And this was how John Wesley knew how. And this was what worked for the people in that era. We still worship the same God, and as we know, God never changes. Our style and method of worshipping may have changed but the significance behind Wesley's 'rules' still remain the same.

Directions for Singing
From the Methodist Hymnal

I. Learn these tunes before you learn any others; afterwards learn as many as you please.

II. Sing them exactly as they are printed here, without altering or mending them at all; and if you have learned to sing them otherwise, unlearn it as soon as you can.

III. Sing all. See that you join with the congregation as frequently as you can. Let not a single degree of weakness or weariness hinder you. If it is a cross to you, take it up, and you will find it a blessing.

IV. Sing lustily and with good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength. Be no more afraid of your voice now, nor more ashamed of its being heard, then when you sung the songs of Satan.

V. Sing modestly. Do not bawl, so as to be heard above or distinct from the rest of the congregation, that you may not destroy the harmony; but strive to unite your voices together, so as to make one clear melodious sound.

VI. Sing in time. Whatever time is sung be sure to keep with it. Do not run before nor stay behind it; but attend close to the leading voices, and move therewith as exactly as you can; and take care not to sing to slow. This drawling way naturally steals on all who are lazy; and it is high time to drive it out from us, and sing all our tunes just as quick as we did at first.

VII. Above all sing spiritually. Have an eye to God in every word you sing. Aim at pleasing him more than yourself, or any other creature. In order to do this attend strictly to the sense of what you sing, and see that your heart is not carried away with the sound, but offered to God continually; so shall your singing be such as the Lord will approve here, and reward you when he cometh in the clouds of heaven.

::: Song of the Day :::
Of all of the fears I’ve grown to love
I’m frightened the most of missing you
I punish myself for finding joy
And focus on what I have to lose
It’s hard to believe in what she says
When I have the strength to silence lies
Hearing it now I feel secure

I know it’s worthy of the pride I sacrificed
And all of the tears I cried tonight
Show me faith I dream about
As long as you’re here I’m strong
And I’ll believe in every word I heard you say tonight
Finding peace despite tonight
You’re the strength I lack tonight
and steadier than I am

You’re folding your fingers into mine
You tell me that healing comes in time
It won’t be the same again
Do you believe in rebirth and lives becoming new
It’s hard to believe in much now
The weight is crushing me and cutting off my air
I’m finding it hard to stand at all

You’ve gotta relate to this
I want you to tell me yes
Knowing you have my trust
Believing it’s for the best
Feeling this vulnerable
Letting down every wall
Not looking down on me
My walk becomes a crawl

I want the winter to have died and turned to spring
I’d see the cold and frigid glances passing through
We’d watch the grass begin to power through the soil
We’d watch the grass begin to power through the soil
We’d watch the grass begin to power through the soil
We’d watch the scales fall

I know it’s worthy of the pride I sacrificed
And all of the tears I cried tonight
Show me faith I dream about
As long as you’re here I’m strong
And I’ll believe in every word I heard you say tonight
Finding peace despite tonight
You’re the strength I lack tonight
and steadier than I am

And I’ll remember every bone I heard that broke tonight
Seeking solace from the light
My eyes have seen too much tonight
My ears have heard their full
Will you remember all the times you said you wade with me
Through the dark till we can see
All the sharks with clarity
You’re steadier than I am
| zella mayzell - straight ahead at the end of the court |

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
April's Fool
I wouldn't put my hope in this
or would I?
Could I muster the strength
to be tested and tried again?
You say that you're sorry
But are you really?

And when those words entered my soul
when the realisation blossomed
like flowers in spring, bright and bold
Those words like a healing salve
over numerous wounds
washing over softly, soothing
Those words could save me
like a branch of hope to a drowning man
pulling me to safety
Those words like a fire place
in the middle of the harshest winter
But I would be safe wrapped in your words

But waves of doubt question what you claim
Do you actually mean what you say?
Or do you enjoy the control of my emotions
Watching me writhe in pain
Seeing me suffer empowers you does it?
Do you really long for the times that have passed
Or are these words just a stroke of inspiration
Simply a muse to spark your creativity

Dare I assume that you meant it?
Audacity doesn't look good on me

Its just that this hapless heart keeps gripping, gripping
It won't let the memories go to sleep
I would tell you if I could
if I thought that it would make a difference
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

::: Verse of the Day :::
I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
| John 17:20-21 |

So what Jesus is saying in the prayer is, unless we (the church, XS or any body of Christ) are in Christ, obeying the Father & working with the Holy Spirit, our evangelistic efforts are basically a waste of time. Or maybe, to put it in a nicer way, not as effective as it could be. This is something I think that ONE could work towards.

Went for megapraise practice yesterday. Its exciting to see how the younger ones are taking over in leading worship & as musicians. Still need more bassists and drummers though. Can't always have the same people playing for every megapraise. It maybe be difficult because GAS has set quite a high standard. Anyway, I was there just as a spectator/ sound tech. I was giving some of my opinions about what I knew about music. I hope I didn't offend anyone in the process. Don't know if my comments were welcome or not. :P

I went shopping before the practice by myself again. I almost forgot what it felt like to spend time alone. Had a good time reflecting on these past few weeks and decided to take certain steps to get my life back in order. Maybe to stop taking part in the coarse joking with my buddies. Or to stop pitying myself. Or maybe to stop ignoring God. Ignoring God is a very dangerous thing to do. Because you will soon realise that He doesn't need you but you need Him.

I noticed something while strolling around Plaza Singapura that I found pretty interesting. NOBODY goes out alone. Or rather, very few people actually plan to spend time by themselves. When my buddies asked where I was going before we parted, they were surprised to hear my plan. They even thought I was going to meet someone secretly. So anyway, I was taking the escalator down to the 4th story when I saw this JC girl on the 3rd story. There was nothing out of the ordinary about her except she was leaning against the railing looking down at the people scurrying about. She only caught my attention when 10 minutes later while I was walking to Times Bookstore, I noticed that she was still there with a forlorn look on her face.

I was thinking to myself, 'Wow.. this girl must be emo like me... '
And so I walked into Times Bookstore to browse, (Incidently, I bought a book called Pegasus Bridge. By the same author of Band of Brothers) but keeping notice of her every now and then. It was another 10 minutes before a bunch of JC guys (from a different JC) came by and this guy whom I assumed to be her boyfriend stood beside her and talked to her before walking off together... No one stays alone, unless they're waiting for somebody. And maybe thats what I'm doing....

waiting...

Just a quick update... I went for a friend's engagement today. Here we go, watching life fly by. Seeing the people around pair up and move on. I know 'there's still time', 'i'm still young' and other assorted excuses. But I'm getting tired of waiting. Its back to school tomorrow... And IPPT on tuesday.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I had this dream...
this dream is make believe...
I'm not going to wear my heart on my sleeve
because I don't know who i'm looking for
I don't know whats left fighting for
If this is all to life then I want more
I want more...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

XS is growing... We're reaching out to more people. Having more fun and hopefully, being more effective for Christ. But that doesn't seem to make me rejoice. Not many things are making me rejoice lately. Certain issues are chaining me down and wearing me out. Maybe its because I'm constantly reminding myself of what I'm lacking. Its like that gatorade advertisement where the guy is swimming in liquid concrete. Or the guy cycling with a giant ball and chain connected to his bike. Or the guy running with the parachute.

I'm going to stop talking about things like this now. I think it'll be good that I took my mind off it. Of course its fun to joke around once in a while, but do it too often and it starts to take its toll... Need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because misunderstandings will arise, and complications will cause problems. And people will not take me seriously next time. There was a glimpse of hope for a split second today. But I'm not even going to entertain it. Because I've come to a point where I confuse even myself. Where my soul takes me for a wild ride on the emotional spectrum. Thrilling highs.. but the lows leave a lot to be desired.

Let me end off with a short excerpt of an article.
I thought my wounded heart never would heal. I now realize I developed my list for protection. It was easier to have a shopping list no one could fulfill than to risk getting hurt again. Then God reminded me of his promise never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). I found this comforting in the face of the fact that loving anyone is a risk. Walking in the knowledge that God will carry me through the difficult times and will be with me no matter what now gives me the freedom to take wise risks in romantic relationships.

Additionally, I looked at others who made a poor choice in a (marriage) partner and determined not to be like them. While there's wisdom in this, at the same time I wasn't trusting God with my personal life. God showed me self-protective hearts can't love. I thought keeping a list would protect me. But after many years of sizing (people) up, I developed negative thought patterns. I didn't realize I was operating out of fear and a critical spirit until God revealed that to me. It was then I realized the list I held was, in reality, holding me.

Our society encourages an "It's all about me" attitude. Music, television, books, even well-meaning friends encourage self-promotion. But this attitude blocks love. First Corinthians 13:4 says love isn't proud. We can't focus on ourselves and then expect a relationship to flourish. Not only is this kind of thinking not conducive to a healthy relationship, it's also not conducive to a healthy heart, one free of pride and a judgmental spirit.

Lasting romance, the Bible tells us, is rooted deeply in the soil of sacrifice. List-making, on the other hand, can be critical and self-serving. Practicing selfless love, whether relationships lead to marriage or not, blesses everyone involved. And as Christians, we're called to selfless love, the kind that has others' best interest in mind.

Every once in a while you stop and think to yourself. What the heck are you doing with your life? You stop everything, amidst your busy schedule, to reconsider the things that you're wasting your time on. Then your flaws come up at you like blinking neon lights in a seedy part of town on a dark night. They scream to be noticed when you're trying to hide your shame.

How do you lose something so beautiful? Why didn't you hold on tightly enough? Why didn't I wake up out of my stupor sooner? I think its pathetic how I'm groping around in the dark trying to find something or someone who will fill that void. Jeremy mentioned something about a compass that pointed true north despite interferences. I want to stop twirling around... I'm tired

You talk & talk & talk...
But nothing ever happens. Changes aren't seen. I could say that fruits require effort, and effort requires time, and time is hard to come by. But its been too long without any results. Drastic actions need to be implemented. Maybe people will notice another change... Maybe they won't. But what matters is that I do something about it.

How would you market yourself?

If I were a product that could be sold... How would I advertise myself? How would I project a postive image onto the consumer's mind? Would there be any benefits or advantage in using this product? Its hard to think of any when you have no interests outside of church. I play music for church, play soccer for church, lead cell group in church, dress up to go to church, hang out with church friends. I'm distancing myself from the world. Which is a good thing. But maybe I need more hobbies. Difficult to achieve when my entire schedule revolves around church activities. Is this what it means to give my life to God? By giving my time and interests?

A.W. Tozer says

No worship is wholly pleasing to God until there is nothing in me displeasing to God...
...Thats why I say your worship must be total. It must involve the whole you...
...If there is to be true and blessed worship, somethings in your life must be destroyed, eliminated.

Apparently its not enough. Anytime you think 'hey, I'm doing pretty well,' its as if you did nothing at all. Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying God is some sick dictator who wants to run your life into the ground and make you miserable. But its only when you give up everything to Him... every single aspect to Him along with every bit of filth comes along with it. Only then can He start the long tedious process of helping you to become Holy like He is. Only then will you realise that by giving up everything, He actually gives it back to you, purified and sanctified and with so much more! You realise that your life isn't 'destroyed' but rather enhanced. The good points which you had are brought forward to be developed and the bad points are diminished or transformed. And then you will be ready to be sent forth.

Its been a tiring day. Non-stop lectures in Singapore polytechnic. Thank God that I've attended seminars before. Was able to keep attentive for most of the day. I'm glad for the opportunity to book out for lessons rather than having them in camp. The change in environment is good for the morale. Even if it does mean booking back in to camp at 6pm.

These 2 weeks have been slightly unreal. In camp training is intensive and yet time passes slowly. A lot of things have to be learnt & memorised. We're expected to pick up skills at lightning pace. I expect it to get more intellectually challenging as we go along. I praise God for putting me here. The more I think about it, the more amazed at how well everything falls into place here. Having more time to focus on God & read His word. Time to do things like preparing Word for cell group. But sickeningly, I did not bring in my cell Word file. Forgive me Lord...

Sunday's sermon was an interesting one. Interesting because I learnt so much from the speaker even though I disagreed with her on so many issues. Issues which I felt were God's lessons for her specifically & not for Christians in general.

Opinions...
Are we entitled to them? What about the things I believe in? Do I dare say that what I believe in, bible truths so to speak, are the absolute truth? Isn't there a chance that I many be honestly wrong? Or will my faith carry me through? Will her faith carry her through the things that seem flawed to me?

All I know is to go where the Holy Spirit leads me. To walk the path that He lays before me with a quiet confidence. Doing my best at the tasks laid before me. Praying that by doing so, my life will be a good testimony to those around me. But is that an end in itself? Am I doing it so that I get some self-worth out of my life? God, how do I do I become a good testimony? How can I be most effective for You? Should I become a religious freak? And scare off everyone I meet? Or is it possible to lead a fun Christ-like life?
Who said Christians were losing out? The world.
Who said being a good testimony makes you a religious freak? The world.
But its not entirely the world's fault. Our lives have become so ingrained with the world that we no longer recognise goodness when we see it. Or sin for that matter.

The question would be... How do I rebel against the world? Where should the lines be drawn. Janet Buchanen says that theres no such thing as a balanced Christian life. If you're looking from the secular perspective, then I think I agree with her. Deep down I sense that its the truth. So do I withdraw from these things? To abstain from movies, tv shows, the computer, music...? Things which have a chance to introduce sin?

Do I fear that I slip into a state thats irrelevant to the people around me? Fear of insignificance? Fear that by sacrificing these things, I'll turn into some religious dinosaur? Why fear? Because deep down I still place it in a position of importance.

I went down to Rhema today. I'm glad I did... It so happened that today's worship flowed so well and I met up with God. I missed worship like this. Worship so real and intense, its as if you could literally reach out and touch God. As if God was right next to you replying to every sentence you utter in tongues. It was a good time. But it was a gentle reminder from God... Its time to start praying already.

Tomorrow morning I'll be booking in for the start of my signalling vocation. I think it'll be quite an interesting 3 months. I'm really looking forward to all that extra time.

::: Cell Verse :::
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit–just as you were called to one hope when you were called– one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
| Ephesians 4:1-6 |

Reality According to Hollywood

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Persons knocked unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds—unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they will go off.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will patiently wait to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

These aren't the only ways that movies twist reality.

Saturday's XS challenge. My cell won... I can never get used to winning things. It wasn't easy though. Had to go through two bowls of peppery Wan Tan (dumplings) to win. I ate a total of 38 dumplings I think. Others had to gulp down half a watermelon, solve puzzles, get the clues which were on the ground floor from the 3rd floor. And so my nameless cell got off to a good start. Jeremy Gan suggested a verse from Ephesians 4:1-6. It refers to unity as a body of Christ which is one of the key points of a healthy cell.

"One body, one spirit, one hope, ...one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God & Father of all"

Verses 5 & 6 emphasise the word 'one'. Would it be good as a cell name?
One

Yesterday was one of the most relaxed Sundays I've had in a long long time. Really enjoyed playing drums for CPC 1. Had a good time of prayer and praise before CPC 2 service started. Without the pressure of booking in lurking at the back of my mind. I really thank God for this new phase of NS. More time to spend with Him, more time to prepare for cell group and more time to myself.

Soccer with Marine Parade Christian Centre was a feisty one. But it ended off well. We still lost 2-1. Thats two losses in two weeks. Oh well... Still have a lot to improve in the team. I played alright I guess. Trying to nail down my midfield role. Its easier with the improved fitness but I still need to improve on my dribbling. I think my strengths are holding up the ball and passing. I've also been wondering whether I shout too much at my players. Am I expecting too much?


There's still something missing though. Something thats not there. But that will settle itself in time. Because I don't like this feeling of being alone. Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly fine. But there's a desire that cannot be quelled. I don't think its supposed to be gotten rid off. Only temporarily quietened so that it doesn't consume you.

::: Verse of the Day :::
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
| Philippians 4:12-13 |

"We've got to get better."
I said, "It's all in your head."
We could live through these letters
Or forget it all together.
See the months they don't matter.
It's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away.

Just ask the question (Just ask the question).
Come untie the knot.
Say you won't care,
Say you won't care.
And retrace the steps (Retrace the steps)
as if we forgot.
Say you won't care.
Say you won't care.
We try to avoid it (Try to avoid it),
But there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

Well all that we need is just a reaction,
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
If chasing our dreams is just a distraction,
I want to remember when I know that I can't go back.
| taking back sunday - new american classic |

I'm a corporal now... Didn't manage to walk the 32km route march but it wasn't a requirement for passing BSLC. I reported sick on Monday when I booked back in to camp. Not sleeping for more than 40 hours is not a good idea. And playing soccer during that time isn't recommended either...

Anyway, I've been posted to Stagmont Camp to be trained as a signal specialist. I was almost disappointed to hear my name being called out for the signal specialist. I had been preparing myself for ASLC for a long time now and had convinced myself of the good points of being there.
1) I have a 1st Sergeant Instructor whom I really respect. He does things the 'experienced' way. Gets the job done and knows how to relax.
2) I have a really good Staff Sergeant who is a buffer for the shit coming from the big bosses
3) I sort of like the section training. (a.k.a. Chionging)
4) I respect my Platoon Commander for his 'Garang-ness'.
5) The combat pay would be useful. ($100 more)
6) You get promoted to 3rd Sergeant sooner.

But God knows best. I've been thinking a lot about how I would take care of my cell group if I had gone to ASLC. Now with a lighter load, I can focus more. Hopefully I focus more. I need to FOCUS!!! Haven't been very steady lately. I dunno why I waver. Thank God. Gotta go rest. Have to be at Stagmont Camp at 0745...

Tomorrow the holiday ends... Tomorrow I begin my work again. Its been a good time of rest. Responsibilities don't end although I'm in camp. Even though I don't hear anything from XS, things still move on. My responsibility to find out. Next week we will be having the multiplication of the cell groups in XS. Maybe a better word would be 'reorganisation'. The problem is... I'll be in camp. Another confinement weekend.

Am I being responsible if I say I'll continue with my tasks but end up not being able to fulfill them? I don't think it would be possible to just drop them though. There's no one else to do those tasks. So I'll just carry on But God will make a way. I just have to be willing.

Finally meeting the 'gang' (Matt, Ziig, Cheng, Pam, Denise) after so long. Time doesn't permit. Organise my time? I only have a total of one and a half days to 'organise'. Thats on a good week. And then I have to leave out most saturday evenings, sunday mornings, and some sunday afternoons. So the only free time is just after I book out. Oh well... I'm not complaining. I know God sees and He will honor even if men don't.

God... Its times like this where I feel like giving up. When I've come so far and have nothing to show for it. Do I have nothing to show? Maybe I'm grading myself with a wrong system.

You don't want to be associated with the world? You want to be associated with spiritual things? Then you need to be graded along with spiritual people. But the problem is, there is a lack of people who are like-minded where I am. I'm residing at a place where 80% of the sentences are littered with expletives. I have no opportunity to talk about spiritual things. And times where I do bible study could be interrupted at any moment.

Maybe life will be like that next time. Maybe this is my familiarisation phase. To get me used to living like this when I start serving Him. Its just like doing physically strenuous activities. You do it often enough and sooner or later you're able to do more when you reach the same level of tiredness. Maybe this is the level of independence that I have to achieve. A level where it becomes a part of me. Maybe there is a change... Maybe I do have an influence on others. But I don't see the fruits.

It could be a time to exercise patience or a time where I need to re-evaluate myself. It could be a time to let go of certain responsibilities which I know I won't be able to fulfill well. Is that me? If I can't do it to the best of my ability, should I continue doing it?

I’ve been really afraid of being close to God for the wrong reason. I don’t want my relationship with God to be affected by external events. Its true that I got a ‘kick start’ from you but I hope that I’m doing it for the right reason. Time will tell...
| written 12 November 2002 |

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these screwed up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine...
| something corporate - konstantine |

Character
• You may be well thought of because you rarely antagonize others or rarely want the spotlight.
• When treated fairly, you can be sound and stable and seen as a dedicated and devoted individual. You hesitate to say no and will seldom, if ever, attack.
• You are rather quiet and modest. You tend not to show assertiveness and are never domineering or egocentric. You prefer others to be in the spotlight rather than yourself.
• When meeting new people, you may be rather unassuming and mild mannered. You will be cooperative and easygoing in social groups and family events, because of an inherent need not to make waves or cause hostility.
• You become most comfortable in situations when the best offense is a good defense. You seldom act aggressively towards others, but will demonstrate a passive resistance from time to time.

Communication

• Your style shows you to be a much better listener than many other styles. You will listen carefully and attend to what others say. People who are talkative by nature may seek you out because of the natural audience you provide.
• In some new situations you may become somewhat unsure because of your need to feel secure in most activities. You will warm up to the new people or event in your own time.
• You would most likely not consider yourself an extremist on various issues, or in socializing with others. You do not need to be the center of attention like others, and in fact may feel rather uncomfortable when in the limelight.
• You generally communicate with others in a mild-mannered way. You do not like to make waves and create disharmony. As a result, you may defer your own ideas to those of others.
• Because of a need to avoid confrontation, you may not express an opinion. As a result, you may go along with others, even if you disagree with the activity, sacrificing your own self-interests to accommodate others.

My Strengths
• You are excellent at listening to your partner.
• You are very sincere in actions and words.
• You are a dependable and caring partner.
• You tend to be a very calming influence in heated situations.
• You are excellent at listening to the concerns and ideas of others.
• You are generally very patient with people.
• You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
• You take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.
• You are good at helping others people to reach their goals.
• You tend to work hard at making sure that other people are happy.
• You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.
• You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.

Its more or less confirmed that I'll be going to Advance Section Leader Course (ASLC). Had a good time chatting with my Platoon Commander about the platoon just now during my interview. Asked questions about what ASLC would be like.
"An average leader with a positive attitude. A bit slow at times. Has a good SOC timing of 8 minutes 51 seconds"
I'm not OCS material I guess...

The problem with you, Daryl, is that you're too honest. You cannot wayang. You cannot smooth talk your way through interviews. You cannot pretend to be what you're not. Your 'what-you-see-is-what-you-get' attitude, although honorable, is working against you now.

Its strange... My heart holds so many things but I don't know what they are. I feel a strange burden. God, please watch over my family, my friends and my future. I know you will and I will let go of my worries.

::: Verse of the Day :::
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
| Psalm 63:6-8 |

Today was so slack, it was boring!! Yes, yes I know... Complaining about things I should be grateful for. But all we did was march back & forth from the compant line to the canteen. Supposed to have a lecture in the auditorium behind the canteen but it ended up being a canteen break because of faulty AV equipment. I think we went to the canteen about 4 times today. Why do things like this happen when I have no money? Go figure...

Got a chance to watch Singapore beat Indonesia 2-1 yesterday night. The instructors set up a television set in front of the company. The Singapore squad look more like a complete team now. Hopefully their form will carry them into the SEA games. If they don't make it to the last 4 of the SEA games, they should be prepared to kiss goal 2010 goodbye...

Anyway, the outfield camp/exercise was surprisingly good. Kinda enjoyed the fighting patrols & ambush patrols. My night ambush exercise went pretty well except for 2 things. Night Vision Goggles & a minor screw up at the FRV. I shan't elaborate. Other than that, I think I enjoy this part of SISPEC. Maybe the tough part isn't here yet. But I trust that favour & grace will carry me through. I dare not imagine what I'll get myself into without Him.

2 days till I'm 22... Today I sat through another recruitment talk. They keep emphasising about having enough money to support your future family. They keep emphasising about how important it is to have a life plan. And how you're basically screwed if you don't. If you put 'logical' reality up against 'illogical' spirituality, which do you think makes more sense? Am I running into life unprepared? Is my desire to spend 2 years of my life in Rhema Bible School just a foolish ambition? The diploma that I'll get isn't even recognised by the methodist church!
Daryl... Can't you even throw yourself into God's work properly? Why of all things choose something that makes the least sense? Why choose something with the least security?

Doubt
You know what? I take comfort from the fact that doubt comes along my way. Because even Jesus had doubt. But more importantly, He knew His purpose & His desire was to please God. Doubt isn't the problem here. Its a natural human response to uncertainty. Its what you do with doubt that matters... Do you fall out? Lose the plot? Run away?
Or do you grit your teeth, clench your fists & stride forward with a quiet assurance and a smile in your heart that God is pleased with your obedience.

How can anything be more satisfying? However, I feel there's a need for some things to be left behind. To be a leader requires strength to shine forth. No more complaints. No more yearnings. However, new beginnings require new hope & motivation. I need to look past these 2 years...

Why God, why?!?
I was enjoying myself! I was having fun in SISPEC for the first time and it all had to be spoilt by me signing my first extra. When I was doing well. When I was cruising along. Why did this have to happen? What did I miss Lord? Where did I go wrong?

"...Whoever heeds correction gains understanding."
| Proverbs 15:32b |

"How much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver"
| Proverbs 16:16 |

"Understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it, but folly brings punishment to fools."
| Proverbs 16:22 |

Dear Lord... Teach me what I need to learn from this situation. Lord, you know it wasn't an intentional mistake. Lord, I pray for favour from my superiors. Lord, you know how much this long weekend means to me. If its possible, revoke the punishment. But most importantly, teach me to be joyful in all circumstances. Amen.

Here I am settled in my bunk. 7 minutes left before I really need to go to sleep. That feeling of dread wasn't very intense today. And it totally disappeared when I reached the company line.
Peace... There's nothing like it. But sometimes its so difficult to attain. Maybe if we stopped thinking of it as something to be attained but rather as the absence of worry. For example, on the way to Pasir Ris just now, I had to literally tell God, "I'm going to stop worrying now... If there's anything I forgot please let me know."

I guess thats why things are better now... Ok, I gotta go sleep now. The ASTW company opposite my window has turned out the lights & I'm writing in the dark. Thank You God in advance for a good night's rest.

Twenty-four hours... A measly twenty-four hours before they confine us for 2 weeks. Just too bad I guess.

Dear Lord... I pray that this time will be a good time of learning and new experiences. I pray against fear and anxiety. I pray against bad situations. I pray against feelings of dread and despair. I thank God for joy, wisdom, strength, endurance, patience and everything else that I might need.

Its just 2 weeks. Its not so bad. It can be done. It will be done.

Whoosh... We've been going outfield these few days and doing lots of section movement under fire and things like that. Its been surprisingly fun so far. I really enjoy fighting the 'invisible' enemy. And being able to lead the section provides a whole new experience for me. Many first time experiences...

I've been getting a lot of stick from my section mates though. Because of my 'relaxed' manner, they think I'm slacking off... Am I slacking?
I'm trying the best I can, learning as I go along. If my best isn't good enough, then maybe I don't deserve to be here.

Speaking of best, I hit a new personal best for the SOC trial test yesterday. 8 minutes 41 seconds. My previous best in BMT was 9 minutes 35 seconds. Today was the actual test and I was worried about muscle fatigue. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep that timing. But after committing it to God & clinging to Him for strength during the strenuous, torturous run, I managed to hit 8 minutes 51 seconds. Praise God for that!

Sleep calls. Last day of being sectino commander tomorrow. IF I can make an impact, I want to.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"All the time we are pursuing Him, realise that we already in His hand."

The grace of God has been overflowing this week. Or rather, my awareness of it has been heightened. The navigation exercise we had this week went pretty well. Managed to find every single checkpoint. But the most amazing thing was that I had the strength to walk for the entire day. I wouldn't be surprised if the total distance we walked for the navigation test was over 15km.

Today's SOC was postponed because of a drizzle... This is unheard of in SISPEC. Usually we continue in spite of the rain. I believe its God doing His thing with those in authority. I was telling God that my body could not take the SOC tests after the walking but I committed the situation to Him saying that if I had to run it, He would provide the strength & endurance. I was praying this just before the test when I was preparing my webbing. Training is getting tougher every week. But I think we're unwittingly preparing ourselves for whats coming up by endurance training like this.

Here we go again God...

::: Song of the Day :::
Into your hand, I commit again
All I am, for You Lord
You hold my world in the palm of your hand
And I am yours forever

I'll walk with You wherever I go
Through tears and joy I'll trust in You
And I will live in all of Your ways
And your promises forever

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
You're the reason that I sing
With all I am

I will worship You...
| united live - with all i am |

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship.
| Romans 12:1 |

Usually the new year would warrant a celebration... But I haven't actually celebrated any occasion for over 3 years. But its not that I've been lying around depressed. It just seems to me that these are days worth noting, (as in note) and just spending with close family and friends. Maybe its time to look back on how this year has changed me.

Daryl, you've toned down
Its true... I accept the fact. Things that used to attract me don't seem so fun anymore. I'm not the wild experimenter I used to be. Although there are other not so good desires that have become stronger but I can't seem to bring myself to fulfill them. People tell me its because I've passed a phase. The point in life where a youth can be rebellious and rude. But I know, it is because my spirit doesn't allow me to.

Its been a fun year. Based on the photographs in my computer and the posts in my blog, I know I've been so blessed...

In a nutshell

JAN My last semester in Temasek Polytechnic My 21st birthday My last gig for cheapthrills Solar Energy won the XS Challenge Cookout FEB Prayed for purpose & direction in life Sessioned for Ignite in Love Day '04 MAR Soccer match with Bedok View classmates (lost 0-1) 3 Letter Session Album Launch Gig Passed NAPFA (Silver) Sessioned for SCGS concert APR TGI Good Friday Steamboat Organised Movie MagiXS (Screening of The Last Samurai) Rhema Bible School Open House MAY Passed Exams in Temasek Polytechnic Called to go to Chiang Mai with PLMC Cell Retreat in Johor Bahru JUN Boot Camp & Mission Trip European Cup 2004

JUL Soccer Match with PLMC (Won 3-1) Cousin Debbie's Wedding Baybeats '04 2nd Soccer Match with PLMC(Lost 2-4) A Vacant Affair's debut performance Volunteered as crew for Sonic Festival '04 AUG Chiang Mai Mission Trip with Charis Team Soccer Match with Raymond's friends (Drew 3-3) SEP Carnival @ Charis Enlistment into NS (BMT) OCT Field Camp NOV SIT Test DEC POP Parade Youth Camp XScapade Elpizo

The highlights of 2004... I pray that 2005 will bring more of the same.

::: Quote of the Day :::
Sow a thought, and you reap an act
Sow an act, and you reap a habit
Sow a habit, and you reap character
Sow character, and you reap destiny

I made it through another week. Thank God for that. This week has been made bearable by my section commander... He was unusually nice. Strict, no doubt, but at least he took the time to explain things properly. We had basic navigation exercises this week. Walked till my feet were rubbed raw. Thank God my team didn't have to repeat the second exercise even though we didn't do very well... We could only find one checkpoint and only after 4 hours. I'm convinced that the MGR (Map Grid Reference) and the description of the location they gave us was wrong. My Garang Platoon Commander said he'll look into it. There'll be a third exercise on Monday. This will be the actual test... I pray that I won't screw up and I pray for decent team mates.

Been rather listless these few weeks. Training is always at the back of my mind. Even when I'm sleeping at home, I wake up every few hours to check whether its time to fall in. I had to force myself to sleep longer today. Thats why I managed to have the luxury of 9 hours of sleep.

From 14 June 2004
A storm. You are about to walk into a storm. A storm which will challenge the way you think, the way you speak and the way you behave. You will be challenged spiritually, mentally, morally & physically. You have to ground yourself in the word. Let God drop an anchor in the bedrock of your heart. So you will not waver. You need to prepare yourself so that you become consistent.

There will be times when you are down and you will hear God speaking to you and comforting you. But there will be times when you won't hear anything. It doesn't mean He's not there. This is when you just have to cling to Him. this storm, this fire is a purifying process so that when you get out of it, He will be able to use you.

How long more Lord?

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
| Psalm 73:24-25 |

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
| John 14:25 |

You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.
| 2 Timothy 2:1-5 |

Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me.
| Philippians 2:14-18 |

Thank You Jesus...

Its a whole different ball game. The amount of anxiety they place on you to get you to do your job properly is insane. I've said before that I believe that fear is a poor form of motivation. Now I'm actually convinced... Yes, there should be discipline and standards to be met. But I believe that we would be able to carry out our task with quality if only they a tad more patient. But of course, I'm not in charge and there's a reason why they are. There's so many things that I've learnt that I can't even recall what they are. From navigation to signals to safety regulations. Everythings taught at a blinding pace. And physically strenuous activities every other day don't make things better.

This coming week will be a step higher in terms of the instructor's expectations. And I always have to be prepared for the role of Learner Platoon Sergeant (LPS) or Learner Sergeant Major (LSM). You never know when it'll be your turn. This week has been bearable but I feel physically drained... Fatigue is one of the key factors in this course.

But Christmas is here... Thats all that matters for now. Happy Birthday Jesus. Thank You for being with me. Your presence is undeniable and Your guidance unmistakable. But Lord, the future looks bleak and uncertain. I don't think I can make it with my own strength or determination. But I know that You give the strength and You provide the means to complete this phase of life. Despite issues that I choose to distract myself with, I pray to be soaked in your presence so that I will know Your will more each day. That there will come a day where I will no longer question the direction that I'm travelling in and have enough faith to throw myself completely into your arms and let you carry me. Lord, carry me through... Amen

Back home after a week of SISPEC training. It will definitely not be easy. But I will pull through with God by my side. I will do well! I know I can because He never leaves not forsakes me. He guides me at every step of training. He causes favour from my instructors to be shown to me. Although I didn't have time to read the bible this week, I thank God that He has been showing Himself to me in ways that I can understand.

We had thanksgiving night tonight in church. Rushed down to church after booking out. Really enjoyed myself there with the rest of XS. Its like being with your family again. The thanksgiving was really touching. I'm glad that I made a difference in their lives. Although I feel that I could have done more as a leader, I thank God that they have grown. I was also voted as 'Prom King'... All because I overdressed. Hahaha!

Probably going for paintball later with some of the church people. But I have to rush down to beach road to buy army stuff immediately after that. Have to buy a lot of things. I'm already broke for this month!!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And so I feel as if I'm left behind.
But I know better than that.
Cos I know, now is not the time
To be playing around with that.
Its not something lost, rather
a lesson has been learnt
A obstacle crossed, a step further
I could have lost my way, but I didn't
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

::: Quote of the Day :::
When my body cries out, 'Enough!'
My Spirit shouts, 'NEVER!'
| Seen at Alpha Coy Line |

::: Lyrics of the Day :::
You are the God of the broken
The friend of the weak
You wash the feet of the weary
Embrace the ones in need
I want to be like You, Jesus
To have this heart in me
You are the God of the humble
You are the humble King
| Vineyard Music - Humble King |

I've been taking a break from blogging. Haven't had much energy to type the last two weeks. Had my Passing Out Parade (POP), had quite a good youth camp, excellent megapraise night and got posted to School of Infantry Specialists (SISPEC). Thats how fast the week has seemed to me. How I wish I didn't have to go back to NS. How I wish that every day could be spent developing relationships with others. How I wish every day could be spent doing the things I desire and trying to achieve the things I want. Every part of me dreads the physical & mental strain which I will be facing. But there's something that God wants me to learn. Something I have to develop during this time. I've already seen the benefits that BMT has provided me with. I expect that SISPEC will be a step up. My responsibility is to do my best. Where God carries me with that is up to Him. I've already worried more than what is necessary.

XScapade Elpizo has been a trying time as well. It was fun, yes, but tiring as well... I'm glad that I got a chance to serve even though I wasn't placed in any leadership role. I think I had a chance to help out in many areas of the camp. From logistics, fatigue work (Sai Kang), prayer, worship, ministry time. I'm pleasantly surprised to find myself in these roles. Its weird to be enjoying these areas of service. I mean, just 2 weeks ago, I was complaining about having to clean up the parade square in Tekong. But I would have swept the entire church willingly if it was required. It all depends on who you WANT to serve.

Glad to see the youth accepting Christ and committing their lives to Him. Good to see God working through the camp. I'm reminded again that its not how well the camp is organised or run which brings results. But on whether we're willing to let God take control of the camp. I think the ministry times were the most rewarding for me. Allowing God to speak through me and at the same time letting Him speak to me. One area I think I could improve when praying for others could be the way I phrase the words. Sometimes the words I get from God are a little bit 'fuzzy'. And I speak it out fuzzy as well. Maybe I just need practice.

God spoke to me today during worship.
Assurance, Empowerment, Repositioning, Adjustments.

::: Song of the Day :::
I felt for sure last night
At once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
No, stop it...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
| jimmy eat world - 23 |

Its my last book in to Pulau Tekong for now... As usual, I'm not looking forward to it, but I promised God that I will be joyful. So I should.

My POP is next saturday. What lies beyond I do not know.
What I do know is that I will not worry or be anxious.
I will cling close to You & walk the path that is laid before me.
You are telling me this... Its been repeated over & over again.
So I know you're preparing me. I know I just have to trust You.

Today was spent doing drills & practicing for the CO evening. There was SOC in the late evening for those who didn't complete it yesterday. Thank God I managed to clear it. Got quite a good timing too. 9 minutes 35 seconds. Really thank God that I mangaged to clear it because SOC isn't just about speed or endurance. You might be the fittest guy on the planet but once you screw up on any of the obstacles, it could mean failure. Praise God that I cleared my 'weak' obstacles, the low wall and the low rope. The lighter webbing that we wore also helped.

So today I was part of the team of pacers that were to run alongside the participating recruits & encourage them. Minus the obstacles... I was running with my buddy who was doing well till the swing trainer (similar to monkey bars). HE simply couldn't clear that obstacle. Although he completed the rest of the course, it was no use because if you fail one, you fail all.

Really had fun at the OC evening yesterday. Each platoon performed, imitated, sang, danced, joked and even did physical training for the entire company. It was so much more entertaining than I expected. I also got a chance to play the guitar & sing 'girl on friendster'. I was quite nervous so throughout the song, I was looking at the floor with occasional glances up. However, I got quite an amazing response from the company. It was my first standing ovation ever!! Even the officers & instructors were cheering! I also played 'the reason' by Hoobastank while some of the platoon sang.
Arnon awed the company with his techno music & yoyo tricks. Turns out he was some semi-professional yoyo-er. We did well enough to earn 2nd place... Hopefully I'll be able to get a copy of the video recording or at least the photos!

Just found out recently that my platoon mates have got a rather good impression of me. They were saying that it was possible for me to get into OCS. It came as a shock that people noticed my effort. I pray that the officers see this as well...

The cycle always repeats itself. I don't like booking in. But I know I'll feel better once I'm in. The only difference today is that my family isn't around. So even with the music on, I feel kinda lonely. But thank God that I'm never truly alone.

Who will I turn to in times like this? When you want someone special to pour your heart out to. Someone you don't have to feel shy with. Someone whom you can appear weak with and not be ashamed about it. No one can be strong all the time. No one can stay 'above it all' at every moment.
One of these days... There will be someone who sees through this flawed outer shell & be surprised. Someone will see the effort it took to get here as well as find qualities where I see none. But for now, I look to God as my guiding star to get me to where I need to be.

Dear Lord... Thank you for your faithfulness. I am convinced that I could not have made it without you. Not without your presence beside me at every moment, running beside me, training with me, comforting me, carrying me. Not without your touch that either speeds up recovery or heals instantly. Not without your words of encouragement that soothes me to sleep at night.
Lord. Hold me and calm my restlessness. Amen...